The ONLY way this blog will make sense is if you read this first. Seriously, it’s the precursor to this whole story.
If you don’t, i cannot guarantee that we will remain virtual friends, as you will quite possibly be repulsed by me and want to break up.
The conversation between my naturopathic doctor and me, upon going back for my 8 week (which should have been 6 week) checkup, started like this:
Doctor: You’re two weeks late.
Me: Careful how you use that phrase, mister.
Doctor: It’s a fact, you just don’t listen. I’m trying to cure your inflamed blood, disfunctioning kidneys, and clearly now we’ll have to add your flawed attitude to that list. I’m not sure i have the time.
Me: Dude, it’s not like i have a tapeworm.
Me: DO I HAVE A FUCKING TAPEWORM?
Doctor: Let’s have a look at your blood and hope those two weeks didn’t completely fuck up everything those secret potions i gave you were supposed to do. snake lips don’t come cheap, lady.
Me: You’re a witch, aren’t you.
So he proceeded to take my blood, and just to spite me, he pricked my finger 3 times because he is mean, and as i nursed it better with slight pressure and a cotton ball, he went to get the results.
here is my blood cell 8 weeks ago:And when he came back into the room, we reviewed this photo together again.
And then, and THEN, he showed me my blood today:
And when i saw this, i for the most part started hyperventilating, then i pulled an Elaine, hitting him on the shoulder and yelling SHUT UP!!!
At this point, i should probably disclose that i completely made up that entire verbal exchange above. It is totally false.
This, however, is real:
Doctor: This is incredible. I was expecting improvement, but Andrea, this is pretty much a perfect red blood cell.
Doctor: congratulations. I’m proud of you.
Me: So, do we start the cleanse now, so we can begin to work on the asthma issues?
Doctor: No. We skip the cleanse. Your juicing, dietary changes (potato and sugar avoidance) and natural meds are reflected in the health of your blood. You can’t be healthier than you are now. It’s time to start work on your asthma.
So here we go.
Out with the old detox meds, and in with the new:
Congaplex for a healthy immune system. check.
Drenamin to support “adrenal function and help maintain emotional balance.” Wait, what the fuck? i’m emotionally unstable? Where did he get that from?
Min-Tran also to support emotional balance, regulates mood, relieves temporary stress… yadda yadda ya… i need to check into a clinic.
Pleo Poly R for Rheumatism. check. thank you, doctor, for something that actually relates directly to my asthma as opposed to my emotional fucking imbalance that you think i have which i clearly do not as i am totally stable.
Pleo Poly K is i think my favorite. for BOTH allergies and pre-cancerous fighting thingamajigs. i love you, Pleo Poly K. Marry me.
and now onto my new four numbers of Unda’s.
This is where i think Mr. Doctor is holding out, because he knows i am an emotional basket case (which is completely not fair to literal basket cases).
Folks, i am just going to read what the box says. verbatim. i am not making this shit up.
UNDA 1: “For the relief of symptoms associated with biliousness, fatigue following meals (ok, sex, maybe, but meals?), and headaches.”
Note: the box did not have a statement in parenthesis that said “ok, sex, maybe, but meals?”. That was me. But the more i think about it, around 3pm, who doesn’t want a handful of Sourpatch Kids to keep them awake? That was a hard habit to break, but maybe i have UNDA 1 to thank???
UNDA 2: “For the relief of symptoms associated with minor infectious and febrile conditions.”
UNDA 17: “For the relief of symptoms associated with acne, eczema and psoriasis.”
HOLD THE PHONE.
i don’t have any of that shit. no zits, no scratchy skin, no head flaky stuff. there must be more. So i did more research. and i think it’s a total cover up for what the internets say the real issue that #17 is for:
i’m not kidding. look it up.
there is no other explanation for UNDA 17, people, and what you read online is always right.
UNDA 39: “For the relief of minor symptoms associated with irritability and anxiousness.”
Just check me into an asylum now.
So i looked this one up too, just because i hate the box by now, and alas, i found this alternative explanation:
OK, cool. it’s cool. bring it on, little motherfucker parasites.
so I’m good. I’m sticking to it.
I’m becoming a believer, one breath at a time.
The alternative is something way worse than emotional imbalance. The alternative begins and ends with Anthony Shadid. It’s what started it all for me.
and PS… moons can take over a year to come back. we’re good there.