Here’s how the conversation went, 30 seconds after the cop pulled me over on the shoulder of the I-5 friggin’ FREEWAY:

Officer: Ma’am, the reason i am pulling you over is that you have expired tags.  From August.

Me:  Are you a real officer?  Because you are HOT, and i’m thinking maybe you just play one on TV and i’m on an episode of COPS right now?

Officer:  may i please see your Drivers License and registration.

Me:  yes, but only if you show me your SAG card.  Seriously, where are the cameras?  I know they are here. 

10 minutes later, she comes back to my “vehicle.”

Officer:  Ma’am, when was the last time you were pulled over?

(i had re-applied my makeup at this point, just to make sure i did everything i could NOT to look 10 pounds heavier on camera)

Me:  i honestly have no clue.  Can you give me a year?

Officer:  2010.

Me:  i don’t remember what i did a month ago, let alone 2010.  I’m a mother. 

Officer:  Ma’am, your license has been suspended for the last two years for failing to show up to court for a speeding ticket.

At this point i was sure the camera was zooming in for a close up of my “the F*&K?” reaction.

Me: Well why didn’t the DMV write to tell me this?

Officer:  (looking at my license) Is this your current address?

Me:  well, if it were 6 years ago, it would be.

Officer: so you lived at this address 6 years ago?

Me:  affirmative (i felt like using “cop talk”).

Officer:  Ma’am, the DMV does not forward mail.  And since you have not lived at this address for SIX YEARS, chances are they gave up. This is why there is a law that you must renew your address within 30 days.

Me:  so you’re saying i’m late?

Officer:  Ma’am, you have two choices.  Either you find someone to come pick you up in 10 minutes, or i will have to tow your car.

Officer:  Also, i am going to need to put an ankle monitor on you so you don’t leave this county. And i’m taking your license and registration.  AND YOU ARE NOT TO DRIVE THIS CAR. OR ANY OTHER CAR. AT ALL.

Me:  But i’m in Wilsonville. There’s not even a place to get kale here.

Officer:  Ma’am, would you like me to take you to the slammer?  (i’ve always wanted to hear an officer say “slammer,” so i was kind of pleased with how this conversation was going).

at this point, she handed me a ticket.  I’m not sure which is longer.  This piece of paper, or the Great Wall of China. I’ll have to do some research on that.

I put in my glass of wine for scale. you’re welcome.

We finally both worked through our anger issues.  She let me substitute an ankle monitor for a NIKE GPS watch, and settled for me having a 10pm curfew instead of spending the night in jail.

Only problem left was that my court date wasn’t for a month, so my husband was going to have to don his suit and drive my ass around for 30 days.

a girl could get used to this. though i am NOT used to being in the passenger seat of my midlife crisis purchase.

My sister was super helpful. She recommended i commute via Razor Scooter, an idea she had whilst riding on the subway.

scooter lady. source of inspiration.

My daughter was also incredibly kind.  she made me a temporary license.

i was trying to come up with a creative caption for this, but it actually is pretty accurate. I have a huge forehead, i kind of looked like a hooker today, and my face is somewhat orange from some tanning lotion gone bad.

My VP was not as helpful.  I asked him if he could chauffeur me around work, as i’m very particular in my escort vehicles (in that i demand 911’s only), and this is all i got.

not too subtle, is he.

(note:  he flips me off a lot)

My husband took utter joy (revenge for his new role in our marriage for the next month?) in taking photos of me going to the DMV

Passport in one hand, citation in the other.

then the Beaverton Justice Dept

see, i told you i kind of think i looked a little “hooker-ish.” Maybe should have gone with flipflops. Or longer shorts.

then back to the DMV

by this time, round 2, i had on flip flops, had 2 year old citation paid, and was ready to take on the world.

all in a day.

in conclusion, i would like to share with all of you some lessons i have learned from this experience:

1_having your license expire is a great way to learn that you have not declared yourself an organ donor, so that you can rectify that on your new one.

2_just because you may be fortunate enough to get pulled over by a hot female cop does NOT mean that you are, in fact, on reality TV.  She was, in all seriousness, one awesome badass constable on patrol (COP meaning, did you know?), extraordinarily professional, and I would have put my life in her hands without hesitation.

3_I read a quote once that has stayed with me: “Strategy is knowing what to do when there is something to do, Tactics is knowing what to do when there is nothing to do.” I highly recommend the tactical approach of humility and honesty when approached by an officer.  I’m pretty sure tears, tantrums, or cockiness would NOT have landed me in the fortunate position of being able to operate a “vehicle” within 2 days of this highway clusterfuck.

4_you can pretty much think your life is going to suck for 30 days, only to find out that if you have an awesome husband and an employer that is super flexible, you can take care of a lot of driving issues (see: entire post, above) in about 24 hours.

5_your life can never suck for 30 days from an incident like this when you have a dear friend with cancer who in 30 days will be bald from chemotherapy and staring straight into the eyes of a double mastectomy.

6_when writing a blog, always exaggerate, it makes a much better story.  97.6% of the opening dialogue is untrue.

7_Whatever it is, TAKE IT.

Peace to the officers out there keeping us safe.  i mean it.

AC

PS: please don’t tell my husband that i got my license renewed today and can now drive.  He thinks i have to wait until my court date. i like the look of him in a suit driving me in Lola.

hotness.