how Stanley and i inadvertently killed our planet this weekend.

It’s Christmas!  a package at the door!

Savannah, “is it an iPhone for me?”

me, “no.”

David, “is it the thing that shoots the cat when she claws my ‘men’s club’ couch?”

me, “no.”

David, “is it the blow up doll that does the dishes because you’re the epitome of frat boy cleanliness?”

me, “no.”

Savannah, “dad, leave mom alone.  she has other strengths.”

Honestly, i had no clue what it was.

It came from Memphis, more specifically from “Tuggle Road”, in Memphis.

So unless either Apple, Amazon, Free People, or Ulu knives is located on Tuggle Road, then i am completely at a loss.

So i opened it, naturally.

Actually, my cat opened it.

she loves packages.

cat, “is it something with which to shoot the dog?” (she’s very proper, we brought her home from the Humane Society only to discover she had a British accent, weird.)

me, “no.”

cat, “shit.”

Then my dog… no, nevermind.  i distracted him with a bacon strip.  he’s a lab, so, well, you know.  small brain, not super conflicted on priorities and all.

Annnnyyyhoooo…

once i got my cat aligned to her priorities of chasing a cork i had dropped on the floor (since i don’t pick up shit i drop on the floor) (reference blow up doll, above), i looked in the box and could still not see what was in there.

it was a shitload of plastic.

so naturally, it must have been something super fragile.

So i started pulling out the plastic, and 20 minutes later, i was still pulling out plastic (i exaggerate, but seriously, look at all the goddamn plastic in this box).

And finally, FINALLY, i came to the prize.  the gift. the thing that not one of us ordered.

OH. EM. GEE!

it was my free NIKE Plus chip!  Now i remember!  i have run literally a bazillion miles (brother, that one is for YOU!) so because of that they rewarded me with a free chip!

So i’m super happy, because i lose those chips like i lose pens and socks and waterbottles (probably because i am so messy).

HOWEVER…. the box in which this chip comes, is LITERALLY the size of a pear.

….aaaaand BAM.  she scores with, literally, the most intelligent man on earth.

So, in conclusion.

i figure the dude that packed this box lived right off Tuggle Road and maybe they had just had the Tuggle Road Christmas Party and maybe he had a bit too much spiked eggnog and said, “i’m going to fuck with this person and fill a way too large box full of plastic to make her (or her cat) think that there is a priceless, very fragile crystal ball in here.”

Well, Stanley (my name for him), you messed with the wrong girl.  Because now i feel so guilty for how much goddamn plastic you put in that box, that i’m going to find a use for it that will keep it from going into any landfill.  I’m going to WASTELAND that shit.  And most likely, it will be in the form of a blow-up doll that can do the dishes.

Peace, to all.

AC

P.S. these are all taken on my iPhone because in the package was not, in fact, the new camera that is on MY LIST.

P.P.S.  these are all edited on my new favorite photo app called CAMERA + (plus), which will deplete your wallet $.99, but is worth every penny. This is a photography blog, afterall, so i had to relate it somehow, now, didn’t i?  sheesh!

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This entry was posted in Christmas packages, dogs, environment, guns, Memphis, nike, photograhy tips, photography, plastic, running, Ulu Knives, waste, Wasteland and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to how Stanley and i inadvertently killed our planet this weekend.

  1. I want one of those dolls….wait….I have kids, never mind. Awesome post!

  2. sabeekadar says:

    i just made the mistake of reading this post in a quiet office…so when i snorted, 2 people looked up only to notice that their boss was not actually working but instead reading a blog post by the ever so funny ms corradini. absolutely brilliant and fucking hilarious.

  3. Zilla says:

    I had a Cole Hahn clutch purse the size of a mini notebook shipped in a box the size of 4 shoe boxes. I had the same sensation when pulling out the plastic. SERIOUSLY? THERE ARE SMALLER BOXES AND LESS SHIPPING?

  4. Kevin "Pop Pop" Price says:

    Being native to Tennessee, I shall endeavor to explain how to find Tuggle Road. Starting in your kitchen, you go from Moppit, get some plastic and Poppit. You will then make a Puppet, and it should resemble a Muppet. take your Muppet, and give him a good Muggle. But he will only be happy if he gets a good Tuggle!

  5. terry says:

    Love the post… I have some of that plastic is my house… honestly, how much plastic do you need to protect paper?!
    PS – diva says hi! 🙂

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