This conversation just happened:
me: “Home with four girls. Ordered pizza.”
David: “How much pizza and salad am i picking up? Leaving in 15.”
me: “Already picked up pizza and salad. However no salad because i started eating at 3:30 and it all fell into my stomach. So shall i call in another salad for you to pick up?”
David: “no. do you have enough pie?” (meaning pizza)
me: “Shit tons.”
David: “Shit awesome!”
After being together twelve-ish years, this is the kind of dialogue that sometimes happens between me and my husband. Probably twelv-ish years ago, the same dialogue might have gone something like:
me: “home alone and dressed like a slutty waitress.”
David: “How much massage oil and kama sutra books am i picking up? Leaving in 15.” (heavy breathing)
me: “Already picked up said items at Adult video store across from Busters BBQ on Hwy. 99, just at the entrance to the highway, in Tigard. I have been thinking about you since 3:30 and have butterflies in my tummy. Shall i put a costume on hold for you to pick up?”
David: “No, do you have enough pie?” (meaning with whip cream and chocolate)
me: “oh yeah.”
David: “oh awesome.” (more heavy breathing)
So yeah, anyway, this in no way relates to this blog, and only because i really don’t even have a topic this week, i just really felt like writing.
But since this is a photo blog (sort of, it’s really not an anything blog, but i like photos), i thought maybe i’d just highlight some of the things, both with the best prose that money can buy and accompanying photos, that have happened since my last posting.
Ok, well, just have to start with my sister completing her first marathon. i kind of surprised her, but i say “kind of” because my sister is way smarter than me, and my stepmother and dad completely sucked at their efforts to keep this from her.
It’s not that they gave it away, it’s that they made up completely unbelievable (and i don’t mean extraordinary, i mean literally Un-believeable) stories for why, for example, my dad needed to leave the house at approximately the same time the only tiny plane with a direct flight from Detroit (where i just arrived from Amsterdam) would have a 45 minute commuter heading into Elmira Airport (that’s a compliment, Airport… it’s more of a “commuter airlineport”, but my dad assures me they are extending the runway 100 feet to accomodate Airbus’ in the future).
dad, outloud, “Katie, i’m going to go visit my buddy Phil”
Katie, in her head, “Who he hasn’t seen in 15 years and my dad never just ‘drops in on a pal'”
So anyway, long ass winded story short, i show up and she really was surprised, but she also, at the end of the day, knew it.
To celebrate the fact that she and her friend Sue trained for 4 months and finished this 26.2 mile accomplishment, i shall show her proudest moment:
i know. Nothing says “i just ran 26.2 miles in 4:46” like a rotten watermelon.
what else, what else…
This is BIG. This one would maketh Shakespeare quiver from jealousy in his grave.
My dad sent a quote today from one of his “clients.”
My dad isn’t a pimp or anything.
Mostly he does a lot of family court, custody battles, etc. on the “wrong side” of Chemung County.
Anyway, it went like this,
“We gots five kids in our house. She don’t never wanna share nothing with either of ’em.”
As a HATER of double negatives (cuz that was basically the only thing wrong with it), i was both a) covered in goose bumps from the nail-on-a-chalkboard reaction and b) pissed he quoted me again.
however, just to prove i don’t make this shit up, please note below photo, a court document my dad showed me when we visited this summer…
_where he was driving from.
_from where he had his last drink and his state of mind.
_his preferred beverage.
_to whom the pipe belongs.
please don’t make me summarize. it’s all there.
Google has had a lot of “Jenna Lyons Lesbian” searches that have led to my blog.
Generally it goes to the “You blow, Ablow” post, but i just find it interesting that a lot of people find it interesting that because Jenna painted her son’s toenails pink, a shit ton of people think she is gay.
no pictures to support this.
couple more things.
i sang karaoke for about 3 hours last night.
it was Dirty Thursday. Don’t ask questions.
i learned a new song that apparently came from Spinal Tap, so now i have to see Spinal Tap.
best. lyrics. ever.
i know. you are so jealous that you didn’t think of these lyrics yourself. I mean, come ON…. “gettin’ out my pitchfork, pokin’ in your hay”… it’s a veritable children’s book.
Coincidentally (and fast forward 24 hours), my daughter is currently singing Beyonce on our home karaoke machine, and i simply had to excuse myself from accompanying her because my vocal chords are tired.
Can so totally relate to the diva life. it’s hard.
I need to go spend a ton of money on my hair and call it a day. That’s what Rihanna does.
My entourage (husband, dog) can deal with the rest.
couple other things here.
My daughter is playing volleyball… and where “some” might post an unedited 9467 photos of the game where their daughter serves in 3246 photos, is totally blurred and slightly un-publishable in 2742 photos, and does the same movement in the remaining 3488 photos, i shall just choose to post ONE.
this photo was taken by my amazingly talented cousin, Matt McMullen, and we both agree this singular photo captures the essence of what we both admire about my daughter/his niece… her sheer PASSION.
i keep thinking i get to the end of this post, but there is more.
let me try to be compact:
Our table guests, the ones who said YES to join the 3 tables we sponsored at the Childrens Cancer Association Gala, raised their paddles to the tune of $70k. Seventy Thousand Dollars to help children with life threatening illnesses and their families.
sign. me. up.
And, we made it into the social spotlight:
now that i am on the Portland Society Page, and in Pink (and only because it was Diane von Furstenberg, otherwise i would never in your right fucking MIND wear pink) you’re going to totally have to take me seriously.
i’m going to ask you for money, for CCA, and you can just hand me over the check. And i promise, you will feel SO good about it in the morning (it’s like the total opposite of a one night stand).
Finally, and i promise this is the last…
We have a 9 year old French student staying with us for 11 days. Elle s’appelle Apolline et je dois dire que elle est geniale. suberbe. adorable.
tonight, as i write, we have 4 girls doing karaoke. Beyonce, Adele, Lady Gaga.
I’m trying to keep them from downloading “disco stick.”
I realize that’s highly inappropriate and i’m not ready to have that conversation either in English OR French at this point.
so…. been babbling enough, time to sign off.
clearly i hope if you’ve understood one thing about me, it is this:
i need to clone myself, because life is beautifully nuts, but i can’t keep up with it all.
oh, and also…
this blog ain’t gonna get me on the map, but it ain’t gonna get me not either.
“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.”
I arrived at karaoke after u left. Messy. Very very messy. U missed an Emmy worthy performance
oh i heard all about it :).
A few reactions:
1) “…dressed like a slutty waitress” exchange with Delta Bravo — speaking as yo’ bro’: did NOT need to read all that.
2) I am now sure I’ve discovered a recessive gene that causes “Dissociated Rambling Logorrhea Disorder”, which must be recessive, because I thought only I’d inherited in from Mom and Dad — obviously you got it too. Please send me a cheek swab for DNA sequencing — yes, you may come to my award ceremony in Stockholm.
3) I cannot BELIEVE you’ve never seen Spinal Tap. (Btw, it’s actually spelled with an umlaut over the ‘n’ — see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Spinal_Tap_logo.jpg.) You think those lyrics were good, how ’bout (from their smash hit “Big Bottom” off their 1975 album “Brainhammer”):
the bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’ — that’s what I said /
the looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand — or so I have read…./
my baby fits me like a /
I like to sink her with my /
Rent / Netflix it IMMEDIATELY – maybe in the state of mind to play darts in the back of a SLC pub, if you know what I mean. Time Out London rated it the best comedy film of all time, and IMDB rated it 8 out of 11 (not 10) — you’ll get it after you watch the movie.