I am so damn vain.
And thank you, Carly Simon, for the perfect title.
No pictures this time, not for this blog.
I just have something to say. something that made me happy today.
And believe me, i thought about holding this post. Because throughout Japan, so many people are suffering a terrible loss, and i thought… how vain, how careless, how thoughtless am i to post something about my total vanity the day that people on an island thousands of miles West of me would just wish for their loved one to be alive, or their home to be on solid ground.
So i get it. I am fully aware of the complete irony that i am writing about complete superficial shit on a day that Mother Earth has given us her middle finger for throwing away all those goddamn plastic bags and letting cows fart their way to happy oblivion before being slaughtered and shipped to Safeways nationwide (and i eat meat, so yes, i am guilty too).
I. Get. It.
So, with that… me, with my guilty conscience, and absolute sanity, i write this:
I took the day off today. Why? Because tomorrow i go overseas, spending my weekend on an airplane to the amazing city of Amsterdam. But that means i loose a weekend with my family, so goddamnit, i took the day.
And what did i do? Did i pull my 4th grader out of school and spoil her silly? NOPE.
Did i do the 2 weeks of laundry and the dishes and vacuum the floors in the house? NOPE.
Here’s what i did:
First, I had my eyebrows done. Now, let me digress here for a teeny weeny second. If you wax your eyebrows, you are an idiot (i realize i have just diminished my audience to 99.9% females here. If you are a man, this will only hurt for a second so please keep reading… it will payoff.. I PROMISE). Do NOT wax. Find someone who does eyebrow BANDING. It hurts like hell, but a) it’s so much better for your skin, and b) it last about 4x as long. If you live in Portland, and you need a reference, i have the mother of all banding experts.
OK. Next. THEN, i came home and went for an amazing run with my sweet black lab Kelby. I said no pictures, but i think i lied.
brain is so small, he bonded with a stuffed bat.
How could i not picture this dude. He’s a total stud. Dumb as a box of rocks, but so damn awesome.
Here’s the real vanity. I went SPRAY TANNING! i did! I used a guest pass from a good friend of mine, and at 12:30, i met a girlfriend at Club Tan (hey, if you’re going to sell tans, what better name?) and we got our bitchin’ tan ON. They put us in a room, we stripped down to our sweet ass birthday suits, got in this futuristic chamber, and in 4 poses… sorry, i need to digress here yet again…
Pose 1: airport security strip search pose
Pose 2: Cleopatra egyptian pose (palms vertical)
Pose 3: “OMG, I’m a hand model AND i’m in the military” pose.
Pose 4: reverse Cleopatra (what… we have to be symmetrical, don’t we?)
Anyway, so we’re in this room, laughing our asses off on getting sprayed with god knows what on our “parts that shall remain nameless” in an effort to look like we actually just got back from Mexico instead of suffering through the, and i quote, “wettest February on record” in Portland.
All this, by 1pm.
Then, and here’s the kicker, i went to our employee store with the intent to buy my sad, sweet, puppy dog eyed daughter some new sweatpants (since she is growing at a rate that i cannot comprehend, nor can my wallet), and walked out with hundreds of dollars of goods (at cost, i might add) for ME.
PS, here is latest photo i took of that sweet child of mine:
So, there’s my day.
My eyebrows rock, i’m tan as a goddamn Brasilian, and i’ve got new running shoes and a SWEET pair of Cole Haan heels to wear with a really short dress.
But guess what.
That friend, that came spray tanning with me?
I shifted her.
Because she’s been tanning at a tanning booth. And i adore her. And i was the baby oil smothering, tinfoil-reflecting-on-the-face-teenager. I didn’t know any better. And goddamnit if i can win at one thing, it will be that no other friend of mine gets skin cancer in her lifetime.
I know. I know this sounds so goddamn vein it hurts. but by now, you should know that i wear everything on my sleeve. It was a day wrapped in stupid, selfish indulgence. But i have had two very important, good friends of mine go through major surgeries this year because they were tanning goddesses (like me, per above) in their earlier years, and have 6 inch scars to show their path to winning over the disease. It is only a matter of time for me.
I told her, my spray tanning adventurer-in-arms, that there was a blog coming out of today. I just didn’t know what form it would take. But now i know it to be this: if i have altered one friend of mine from a potential diagnosis of cancer, then is vanity so bad?
sometimes, just indulge. What comes of it will find it’s purpose.
Off to Amsterdam.
Little selfish acts of pampering are worth it! Your eyebrows are gorgeous. Name please? By the way, I can totally “hear” you tell your story. You have an incredible gift. Keep writing. Merci.
To the moon…
Reminds me of that fantastic — not plucking, not waxing, but ‘threading’ — job I had, unexpectedly thrown in with my haircut, in Aleppo, 2009, when you and I and Mom were there. (I’m assuming by ‘banding’ you mean the same thing.)
Got my eyebrows, cheeks, back of my head/neck, ears, nose, and pretty much everything on my head tweaked out by some 12-year-old kid with a spool of cotton, in like 30 seconds. Total bill (with haircut): $4. (I tipped them $20 — they kind of freaked — totally worth it.)
I will not comment further on middle-age, being 40+, and things like the onset of brand-new grooming and health issues, such as, for the sake of illustration only, ear-hair. Other than to highly recommend ‘banding’, or ‘threading’.
Cheers, sis. (And, about the goddamned swearing — don’tcha think it’s a little fucking gratuitous?)
Much love, yo’bro